Friday, November 18, 2011

Plane Manners

Sorry for the extended absence, I've been traveling for work, Currently about to get on my 8th flight in 5 days. yikes. In my personal and professional life I am often flying and I have come to the conclusion that many people don't know how to fly. I don't mean to be negative, but jesus fuck. What is wrong with travelers today? Granted not everyone is a degenerate asshole but the majority act like serious doofuses. That being said I have put together a little list of plane manners for those who need it.. Now I know none of my enlightened readers are amoung the cretins who I am speaking so please feel free to print this out and keep them with you. When you need it pass it along to travel morons I know you are giving the side eye to. Then run away, cause they might try and hit you.

A) please do not bring your smelly ass odor fest food onboard. Plane air is recycled and that shit you're eating i am inhaling and trying desperately not to hurl from into my motion sickness bag. I love curry and egg salad as much as anyone. Just not at 30,000 feet.

B) when boarding the plane, do not jump up and crowd the ticket checker like cattle, jostling everyone in your path to get on first. See that little piece of paper in your hand? That's a ticket, we all have a seat. Sit down and chill the fuck out.

C) conversely, when deboarding the plane dont push to get up front first. We exit row by row and it's incredibly rude and self centered to line jump

D) if you have a window or aisle seat don't be a dick to the poor soul stuck in the middle seat. They get both armrests. If you have to use it to plug something in, that's fine but for gods sakes get your elbows off of it

E) the airport is not your bedroom. I don't care how fucking stringent the TSA is. I dont want to see your toes (flip-flops) or your pajamas. Dress like a human for fucks sake. Brush your hair, put on a respectable outfit And burn those damn tweety bird sweatpants

F) if the gate is crowded, don't take up 3 seats with your shit. You are not the only person who wants to sit down. Also, hogging more than one outlet for your electronics (unless there are plenty available) is the height of dickdom.

G) Dont recline your seat. It only goes back like 2 inches anyway but it really fucks shit up for the person behind you. Especially if they are using a laptop.

H) make sure your earbuds or headphones aren't "leaky" I don't want to hear your shitty shit music 2nd hand (this also applies to every single day of life anywhere)

I) Say please, thank you and smile at the flight attendants, pilots, everyone. Why do I even have to write this? Has everyone been raised in a barn???

J) don't have loud, obnoxious, telephone calls while taxiing, or boarding. You are not that important and I could care less if Tom did not staple the cover sheet to the TPS report. Or if your catsitter only read one bedtime story to muffin. Use your indoor voice.

K) when flying to Vegas or any other party hotspot please do not assume everyone else on board is on their way to a booze and roofie fueled sex romp. That means, no whooping repeatedly, no yelling "VEGAS" at the top of your lungs, and if you are getting drunk on the plane (like me) hold your liquor like a man and don't tell me how wasted you are.

L) don't go number 2. Unless it is a dire emergency. See rule number one. Recycled air people. Phew, sorry. I had to get that out of my system. Any rules you guys feel like adding also?

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